Written on His Heart

Rampage

2012-01-31T06:23:00.000-08:00

What the Father is doing
looks close enough to a healing raid rushing through a nursing home
whereby His staff knocks out every crutch
His hands removed every IV
His love restores every memory
and we are the enfeebled.
I am one whose crutch
of leaning on -- even! --
Christian friends
to pray, to hear,
to inform me
of what My God
wants of me.
I hear the dancing and the music breaking over the halls of my convalescence,
the way I thought I would die (to self),
my tears my portion, I
cried out as He dealt
a blow I deserved, but--
when I fell to the ground
I knew His true target
As I crumpled
His hand
Lifted me, He said,
I am always interceding for you,
I will not relent until my arm is the one you lean on and yes
You were made to be held, yes
Designed to depend, as a baby cannot lift its head
Upon My Strength. Your maturity flows
from eternal youth before my eyes.

Amen.
I wrote this just now, in the binary. It came out as a poem because one of many things God is showing me is that I am a poet and I'm no longer arguing about that point. No, this is not the best poem I'm ever written. But that image-- the healing raid rushing through a nursing home--that's exactly how I would describe to you what I see the Father doing, both in my own heart and since I've reconnected with believers in Minnesota.

The following is a revelation the Spirit passed on to me through Ethan, who has found So much delight in the presence of God this January. In Acts 2, right after Pentecost and the anticipated arrival of the Holy Spirit, we read:

They devoted themselves to the apostles' teaching, and to the fellowship, to the breaking of bread and to prayer. Everyone was filled with awe, and many wonders and miraculous signs were done by the apostles. All the believers were together and had everything in common. Selling their possessions and goods, they gave to anyone as he had need. Every day they continued to meet together in the temple courts. They broke bread in their homes and ate together with glad and sincere hearts, praising God and enjoying the favor of all the people. And the Lord added to their number daily those who were being saved.

I am so excited for when I return to Olaf because I will no longer be interceding in an alternate chapel for the campus but rather inside the very Olaf church itself. It makes so much sense, and I wish I had been told this before, but I have to claim St. Olaf as my school. It is also my church and I have not been loving her very well. God changes people and how can changed people not affect change? If I'm unhappy about the doctrine preached in Boe Chapel (our campus church), I'm not only going to pray for change but I'm going to attend it. Being in an actual chapel service while interceding will change me, no doubt. Hidden pride as to why I have scorned it before will have to be uprooted even as it already is being uprooted. Plus, I'm excited for the time after 10:45am (when chapel programming ends) when I get to mingle with new people I don't know as well!

Believers, let's be salt! Spice it up!

Psalm 51:10-13

2012-01-23T16:12:00.000-08:00

Create in me
A pure heart,
A clear heart,
Your heart, O God.
Renew a steadfast spirit in my blood,
Percolate the old corpse
With the heat of Your eyes.

O Lord, do not cast me away,
Do not fling me
From Your presence, nor
Retract
Your Spirit from me.
For without Your breath
I go limp,
I fill the mold nagging my feet
I conform.

But restore to me, O restore the joy!
The joy of Your salvation
Yours
Not mine.
And grant me, Jehovah, a willing spirit
to sustain me.

So rearrange me, O God.

Grow Up

2012-01-23T16:02:00.000-08:00

Finally! This trascription of a message I received in Barbados on January 8th has been pending for days! It has been upon my heart to share it and God has provided me with a full keyboard to acurately giveit toyou. Though it may be taken with a spirit of offense, it is from God. I don't want to be offended by Him. This message is primarily for those who have sought God for a while, but if you are a new believer, go on in the Spirit and not with your own understanding. Believe me, this struck me hard core and I hope the Spirit moves you in His Love and Power.

Grow up. Stop whining that Satan is attacking you and hate sin. Yes, hate sin. So many people struggle with something and they whine to other Christians, saying, "Pray for me, pray for me," only to deal with the same thing a week later (don't judge this comment now, keep reading).

Mature Christians go to God. We must stop cowing to enter and stand before Him--for to go before Him means not only that you will have to judge the sin in your life, but also that you will have to trust Him to be as merciful and caring as you profess when you sing to Him. There must be a face set to face Him when He asks you to look at Him, because otherwise in your "wisdom" of knowing about Him you will say "I know He loves me, I know He wants to deal with me and purify me but ...." and as you let the excuse dissolve unsaid in the air, you look with your earthly eyes and see another brother, or perhaps a sister, and then you remember a prior time when God spoke directly through them, or perhaps they made you feel good. So you pump yourself up that you are "dealing with sin" by praying again with that person. (Do not take this the wrong way-- if the Spirit leads you to battle with another for an extended period, do it).Confession to each other absolutely has an instrumental part in loosening the bondage of sin in your lie, but didn't Christ already claim you and break every yolk off you? Which sin did He forget to take to the cross that you must seek absolution through a friend? This is the confessional fallacy. For it is not and can never be through your friends or through a stranger alone that you will be healed. It is and can only every be permanent and lasting change when it comes from God, I Am, Jehovah, the LORD, Yahweh. Confession presses the reality of the necessity to reject sin. For how many times will you confess pride before you are actually ashamed of it? To repeatedly confess the same thing gets obnoxious and frustrating. Why? Because God drives you harder into the realization that you must be healed and cleansed by Him alone. If the Israelites had believed God would be faithful in being faithful, that He had done the very thing they couldn't see (entering the promise land, being blessed to bless all nations) they would have been able to follow God's original intent for them. In trusting that He will, wants to, and has done the very promised thing through you believing that He will and is doing it that you walk forward. (read those sentences again, slowly, if they seem confusing).
That is walking by faith. You are not unshakable--God is.
You become unshakable because of what overshadows you--when you believe you are under His wings and you feel the heat you realize the difference between body/soul and spirit. You cannot skirt about His throne forever. You will have to stand before Him. You will. He invites you to do it now because He wants you to know how knowing Him changes everythign because you step into the very life you were made for.

God bless,
Jennifer

Reasons to Get a Study Bible

2011-12-31T06:20:00.000-08:00

You guys,

Study Bibles are SO AWESOME! (well, not if they are "academic" and the footnotes try to convince you out of believing God tells the truth..ehem.. Oxford Study Bible) Over Christmas break I have rediscovered my confirmation Bible which is an NIV Study Bible. My new affinity for this book (not the Bible itself, but this specific book...although my affinity for His Word has increased because of it as well) is strange for several reasons.
1) I have despised it ever since I realized that I substituted knowing the scripture for highlighting it.
2) Because of this highlighting, I consider it defiled and evidence of my juvenile graffiti
3) This Bible is kinda heavy because anywhere from 1/4 to 1/2 of the page is taken up by smaller text filled with...notes!

But here is a more interesting list of reasons why you should also cast off your disdain for heavy study Bibles:
1) Unlike thinner Bibles, they stay open when you turn to a page!
2) They clarify many cultural practices that you as a 21st century human would have no hope of knowing otherwise!
3) You can learn cool things like the divisions of the watches of the night--I got this from reading Psalm 134 and following subsequent notes whereupon I learned this: The Jews divided the night into three watches (sunset-10pm, 10-2am, 2am-sunrise) and the Romans divided the night into four watches (6-9pm, 9-midnight, midnight-3am, 3-6am). Perhaps you think it is arbitrary to divide the night--I mean, why not 8 watches? Well, at Olaf we have a prayer meeting every Tuesday and several times they have gone past midnight and seemed to receive a second wind to intercede for things.
4) I've already alluded to this one, but CROSS REFERENCING! You read something, you think, "what does that actually mean?" and then you can look up another verse that uses the same terminology, etc.

So basically, having a study Bible at your feet enables you to search harder and longer in God's word for your questions. It's not just about a concordance to look up terms. It connects phrases, imagery, and themes for you so that you can ingest the Truth yourself and see how it fits together. Also, it really helps with Revelation.

Death

2011-12-25T19:20:00.000-08:00

One day my sister will die.

This is what I thought as I looked at a photo collage on my sister's wall. If that day was today, she would die a mystery to me-a heart that I wanted to lavish love on but slowly stopped doing so because of constant rebuffings. I had just watched a portion of a sad Christmas movie where a sick child stands at the hospital bed of his teacher and says, "I don't want you to die."

I honestly think I've forgotten that I'm going to die. The stats on my camera won't matter then--all of my artwork stored in my room won't matter then--the excess stuff in my room will just be someone's burden to sort through. While writing a note to a friend today I was guided to this verse:

Why spend money on what is not bread and your labor on what does not satisfy? Listen, listen to me and your soul will delight in the richest of fare. Isaiah 55:2

I have to listen to Him. He is life. This is not a game. It's not about going on mission trips or YWAM DTS's only to come home and feel "disconnected." Guys, we belong with this Father. Every day matters because of God. Because He has redeemed the unredeemable. The actions suddenly acquire meaning because of the motivation. Love. Like when two fifty-something adults let two kids into their life and decide they will allow the interruptions of feedings and nervous spasms, and stay up at night to feed them and they will endure the anguish of a broken system which may or may not let them keep them forever--all because they feel God's LOVE for them.

I repent, O God, for treating love like a ritual mantra in my head, an idea to sing about and a thing I knew because I understood with my mind. Love is not intellectual. Just as God's kingdom is established in the spirit, above the physical and the mental, so the reality of Love flows from the Spirit to the mind to the body (action).

God invites us to a beautiful transformation. Here is Beauty Arise by Misty

Why Do You Care?

2011-12-25T18:53:00.000-08:00

This post is late. The event happened Tuesday, just before 1:00pm on the piano bench in my family's great room. I wanted to share a revelation that shows how God turns things to the good of those who love Him.

I knew waking up that day that my mother would get out of the hospital from her surgery at 1:00 and I was invited to accompany my dad in bringing her back. That morning I had gone shopping for a memory card and some gifts, and by the time I came back I was hungry -- I hadn't eaten a decent meal since I had arrived home because right after I arrived in Illinois on Monday we went straight to my mom's hospital room.

So there, by the kitchen microwave, I had a dilemma. I asked God what He thought, but to be honest I just felt like a piece of toasted bread (to some of you, this would mean great, but when it comes to sandwiches, I like flavor and freshness--and only the lettuce should be crunchy). Plain toasted bread. Apathetic. Dried out by being in the stores (seriously, they can be overwhelming). But simply being hungry didn't seem like a legitimate excuse to not go. I though rapidly...and I vaguely thought, o yea, I should record piano improvisations while the house is quiet (my young foster sibling were at other people's houses and no one else would be home but me).

When I get home my Dad gets ready to go and I inform him of my choice.
"Hey Dad, I'm going to stay here. I haven't had a good meal since I've come home."
"Well, that's perfectly okay. Well, I'm going to go now. See you later."

Man.
I stood over the stove about to cook some vegetables and doubted. I should really go... but there is no real reason why I need to go-she will be soon home again, Dad can handle getting her home...Has his car actually left yet? Solemnly I walked to the front door to see the van slowly accelerating past the mailbox. Shoot.

Yes. I had the impression that I should go. I did not. This is what happened later as I recorded improvisation on the piano. Somewhere in the midst of playing and talking to God this dialogue happened:

Why do I feel so guilty? There wasn't really a reason for me to go.
You're right.
What do you mean?
The only reason to go would be love.

Wow. I then had an image of a child coming back from a hospital ... would the parents be apathetic about them coming out? How many other times would I get to see my mother out of the hospital after a major surgery? I broke down after that last question. The only reason was love. Somehow that unlocked a lot of misconceptions in my mind. Why give my ceramics away instead of sell them? Because God loves the people I'm giving them to.

This is how God is. He is ecstatic to be with us. If I had gone to the hospital, nothing (according to the word) would actually have "gotten done" or "been accomplished" by just accompanying my dad--except the greatest thing of all: love would have been displayed. Song of Songs 8:6-9 comes to mind.

If a man were to give all the wealth of his house for love, he would be utterly scorned.

God's love is so lavish. He gave everything for us. His love is like a blazing fire and somehow I had been dulled. But He was able to rend my heart.

I am an Artist!

2011-12-19T11:27:00.000-08:00

Photograph of an oil painter's palatte

Why does it matter to God that I claim this?
Because it matters that we agree with Him. It also matters that we realize He is our judge. As a friend told me recently, "if you were to only draw a line with a stick figure person and God looks upon it and says it is art, then it is!"

For so long I really just refused to ask God what He calls me. It's it enough that I am called Beulah, Hephzibah (see Isaiah 62:4)? Why do I have to accept something that is a vocation from the mouth of God?

I realized today the clear divide between the point where His persistence increased and I stayed silent. Since that point, I have almost ceased all artistic activity. Yes, I've been taking ceramics, and I wrote some poems for a Studies in Poetry class, but outside of the required nothing poured out.

I write today because I claim that I am an artist under His banner. Too long have I scorned Him for calling me to admit that I am an artist, saying "O yeah, well what have I produced? How can you call out someone for something specific when they haven't proved it?" His response slayed me. Has He not done so since the beginning of time? He calls the shepherd boy king, He looks at the harlot and calls her His wife.

I knocked on a staff member's door today and invited him to take a piece of pottery from my store. I had some pieces in my hands but I asked him to go to my room to see greater selection--and what did he say? "Why can't I just pick one from these?" I think I have done the same with God. I have wanted God to take something I lavished time on beforehand, like Spanish, or Chemistry, or English, and He expanded the options. Art!

The other night during our group prayer time I spent the first minutes painting. I believe this is my first piece of prophetic art. It is a portrait of a friend (Libby!) --but you have to search to find the animal that represents her. People see many things when they look. I invite you to do the same:

The Unborn Have It Best: or do they?

2011-12-11T14:58:00.001-08:00

Wow. So much to thank God for right now!

First, I owe you the revealing of the pending explanation of the Ecclesiastes verse. I believe God used that verse to have me wrestle with the wrong mentalities (found among other correct ones) in Ecclessiastes. He spoke how He has designed me to be a a harbinger of joy. My design and the mentality of "well, everything is meaningless, so I guess I'll just do what I can and hope that's enough" don't match at ALL. The humorous thing is that for a good while earlier this semester I felt like my wheels were stuck in the mud. To spoil the ending of these revelations, it all comes down to this: obey God. I stayed in the dirt and God made it rain. All the teaching I received in Sweden had primed my heart for an explosion of God's power at Olaf and for a new earnestness found in the sweetness of Christ alone, not born of my brothers and sisters. God prepared my heart with list of three things I would focus on: Relationships, Musical worship, and Art (I now see that this is also a tier of importance).

I suffered heavy wounds from the disconnect between the vision I had and the actuality of my own heart which could not get over the faults I saw in the path I was walking (studying English and Art, my specific classes) and frustration settled in. I simply would not agree that the circumstances He placed me in were appropriate. The artifice in my heart (false humility, not being real with God) showed me that although I can learn a thing (like walking in His Spirit no matter what) it is completely and only ever God who can do the actual change in the heart to line up a life with Truth (because in not agreeing with Him I let my judgement of the experience dictate His faithfulness). Somehow I forgot that the first tier, Relationships, also has a sub-tier. And God is the first.

Reader's Digest version of how this affected my life:

Things God did regardless of my lack of obedience: speak truth to me through friends, taught me about receiving gentle love, gave me a specific area of the Enemy's influence to pray over, increased responsibility and gifting in musical worship (praise God for the church!)

Things that were hindered by my disobedience: lack of joy, lack of desire to bring Glory to God, annoyance with things I normally love, disheartenment, lack of revelation from God (I mean, how can you receive it if you don't ask for it or won't take it when He gives it to you?), lack of faithfulness in praying for specific works, less poetry writing, less photography, less letter writing, doubt about whether messages God had given me in the past for the campus really mattered anymore.

You guys, everything in the second grouping COMPLETELY STINKS. It IS like Ecclesiastes 4:3: better to be unborn! WHAT?!

The passage Max gave me talks a lot about Wisdom. What is our wisdom? God. The Spirit of God which guides us in all truth shelters us and preserves us (Ecc 7:12). He purifies those who submit to Him, and Jesus is coming back to restore all things, therefore "the end of a matter is better than its beginning" (7:8) We are not to look backwards because, as Paul says, we strive to lay hold of that for which He laid hold of us. So I was a fool to question "Why were the old days better than these?" (7:10) because the freshness of His Spirit is OF COURSE better than yesterday's manna!

Praise God!

A Tent, Ecclesiastes, and Slaying

2011-12-01T05:45:00.001-08:00

You guys!

God healed my mom's friend of cancer! That's right! Melanoma, biopsy, and now: absolutely no cancer! Quizzical doctors with heads askew and eyebrows knit together, trying to explain a miracle! Beautiful. Praise God. Direct answer to prayer.

Awesome thing number 2: I joined some brothers and sisters yesterday to pray for the campus and I received an image of a large tent whose ceiling was sagging, engulfing a person inside the tent who attempted to toss the cloth up, standing underneath the portion so that at least it would be their height. After this, a sister named Megan hopped over to me and shared that she had a picture of the women in Thursday Night Women's leadership each holding tent pegs, spread out as if to erect a very large tent--but the tent pegs were still in their hands. And THEN God put Ephesians 2:21 (aside: this is part of the increasing gifts He has given to me, by giving me the perfect word when it is needed after asking for it. 99% of the time I do not know what the verse says before I read it. In fact, a good number of times I ask and then think, okay, sweet. Colossians 7 it is. Oops. There is not Colossians 7. So He often reminds me that He is not a genie and I am not the one who knows what I need or even where to find it. I need Him. When words are from Him, they are right on. The Spirit testifies within me or with the other person, and it is beautiful!). So Ephesians 2:21 came, the first scripture--check this out!

In Him the whole building is joined together and rises to become a holy temple in the LORD

Yeah Jesus! I was so pumped. Direct correlation. I have read the Bible all the way through 7 years ago, and it always amazes me how I cannot absorb or understand unless I receive through the Spirit. I honestly don't think I've ever heard this verse before. It just sparkled in the cathedral of my mind like a new chandelier with the Light of God.

So now, the preceding paragraphs were just a warm-up to what God is trying to teach me in this current season-right this second, actually. If you have read other posts of mine, I have attempted to explain the seemingly inexplicable undercurrent of discontentment that has marked most of this semester. A friend named Max was bringing me before the Lord in prayer, and he felt like God gave him a riddle to give to me. The "riddle" is scripture. Ecclesiastes 7:12-17:

For the protection of wisdom is like the protection of money (NIV reads the shelter of wisdom, shelter of money), and the advantage of knowledge is that wisdom preserves the life of him who has it. Consider the work of God: who can make straight what He has made crooked? In the day of prosperity be joyful, and in the day of adversity consider: God has made the one as well as the other, so that man ay not find out anything that will be after him. In my vain life I have seen everything. There is a righteous man who perishes in his righteousness, and there is a wicked man who prolongs his life in his evildoing. Be not overly righteous (Hebrew=righteous in your own eyes), and do not make yourself too wise ("think yourself wise"). Why should you destroy yourself? Be not overly wicked, neither be a fool. Why should you die before you time?

Unfortunately, I must leave you here. I will continue with Ecclesiastes and the Slaying in the next post. Grace and Peace.

The One Who WIll Do It

2011-11-15T18:16:00.001-08:00

The One who called you is faithful, and He will do it. - 1 Thessalonians 5:24

Dearest,

I heard something wondrous today: we are not called to preach experience. We, the redeemed, are called to preach truth and let our experience catch up. How beautiful is that? I am stealing the phrases of Bill Johnson in Redding California (I've mentioned him before in this space) as he reveals the ways in which we as Christians have "made room for things that Jesus never allowed." Example: we read that Jesus healed people, that the disciples healed people (I mean, Peter's shadow even healed people) and then we encounter a certain sickness. We think, how unfortunate, and we say, well, sometimes people just stay sick with disease x or disease y. And we ignore it.

In what way is this picture askew? Jesus said in Mark 16:17

In my name they will drive out the demons, they will speak in new tongues...they will place their hands on sick people, and they will get well

If Jesus is Truth, then we should align our thinking with this truth. We should believe that there is an open heaven over us (opened when Jesus was baptized-Matthew 3:16) because God has opened it in Christ. It is not our job to create a new theology when we pray and people don't get healed. Our job is to believe in the Truth and to walk in it.

Yesterday a friend of mine joined me in the later watches of the night during my Resident Assistant job to pray. God poured out a lot of prophetic words for him, reminding him the fervent prayer of a righteous man (which he definitely is!) is effective--God can actually delegate other people to walk into the things we pray for because we cover way more ground than we can handle alone when we are interceding (I mean, the sheer number of hours it would take for one human to dedicatedly pursue so many people is not possible). But the beautiful thing is that God speaks to those who want to hear Him, to those who ask Him what is on His heart. It was beautiful as I suggested, "Max, I mean, what if one of those people you prayed for was Robert?" and the Spirit confirmed that it was!

So what does 1 Thess 5:24 and Mark 16:17 have to do with a cohesive message? I have forgotten the open heaven that is over me. I witness a pouring out from my own vessel--and yet God showed me a deep dark fear: that I will not be received in the end. The fact is, God's word is good. He has cleansed me, and yet I still sin--does that mean that God's promises fail? "By no means!" (to quote Paul :) )

I want my thinking to be aligned with Truth, not with my experience. When I see envy and self-pity in myself, that does not void God's promises to me. His discipline comes because He is purifying me for Himself.

I close with a song that is the cry of my heart right now:
We want to see You
Show us Your glory
We want to know You more

His longing for us is real. Peace.

Oil from the Inside

2011-11-11T06:22:00.001-08:00

Dearest, (for you are dearly loved by the Father!)

In the past month I have been loath to write in this space--not because God isn't doing work in people's hearts at St. Olaf, but rather that I have been wrestling with feeling like I've been backsliding--and have wondered where the training I received this summer has gone. So yes, I am a wimp because I didn't want to burden you with actually going through that, but really hiding because of shame is sin. So please forgive me. As it says in Proverbs 29:18, where there is lack of vision, the people parish.

It hit me a few days ago how much time I've wasted in not pursuing people--in being frustrated over my classes (feeling like they aren't directing me toward a goal) and in not seeking out His vision for this time. The haziness around my return to Olaf from the summer stripped me of joy, stripped me of vision--and there are consequences. God, however, is able to redeem time, and it is only by His mercy that I can continue in ministry here. God recently showed me how I have been depending on friends to meet with Him out of lack of trust--and so for a while He calls me to just receive from His hand and to know His power and intimacy.

You know what is amazing? If you ask God for verses to speak to your heart, He will give them to you. I was praying over the men at Olaf and he showed me 1 John 2: "I am writing to you, dear children, for you have been forgiven on account of His name...I am writing to you, young men, for you have overcome the evil one.... I write to you, young men, for you are strong, and the word of God lives in you, and you have overcome the evil one." How direct and beautifully that spoke to the men! I had the opportunity to pray that over a brother the next day. I could share more of such encounters with the living Word but I will be late to class.

So, this weekend our campus group, Thursday Night Bible Study, has an annual event called Passion and Purity which I have not been able to attend for the past three years (because our orchestra concert is the same week). I am kind of disappointed, but I trust that it is perfect timing that I deal with feeling short changed, because the reality is that I can meet with God any time. Just me and Him. Regardless of my family around. This morning I went to spend time with Him, and I basically just laid on the carpet for a while asking for energy and what to do. He told me to to get up and praise Him. I really didn't feel like it, but I got up. He led me to put on the song by David Crowder Band, "Can I Lie Here" and it cut me to the quick. As I was dancing, the lines "O the brightness of Your face, to be with You, to be with You" slapped me in the intellect: Jennifer, He is SO worth pursuing!

And then He kept going in that vein. I listened to Matthew 25, the parable of the ten virgins, which has been put into a prophetic song by Misty Edwards.

The revelation came that the only - ONLY- way I can be effective in God's love is if I have "oil," if I know Him. If I "buy oil," and purchase time with Him, a real relationship. Not just ministry, planning, and things on the outside, like the lamp. We all need the oil. Because otherwise our lamps cannot be lit. Shiny ministries can only move in the power and truth of God if they are burning from a relationship with the Living God. I want to be found ready. Lord have mercy, it's my only means to find You here with me. Amen.

Why I have not Written

2011-10-03T19:01:00.000-07:00

I have not written in this space in a long time. The reason is not because I have not had time or because God has not been moving. I have been discouraged, friends. I have have been agreeing with Satan that there are problems where there are none, and, like Eve, with that I give over my authority (which comes from Christ) to the deceiver.

You see, before I even came back to the States God had told em that the focus for this semester was going to be on art, music worship, and relationships. And guess what? He was serious. To the point that I have been questioning why I am even in college. Perhaps it is just my strange nature, but I really like learning. This semester, I do not have a lot of homework. My classes do not fulfill me. My work seems wholly impractical--I mean, WHAT is God thinking to have led me to where I am now, and then to have planned this semester of playing to teach me? Honestly, I have been complaining. People have told me that God can use my easy English class just as much as another class I had my eye on, but I haven't believed it. I have been so frustrated with the professor running on about Christians being fanatics who should be sent to the moon, about Christians who kill traditions, and seeing him claim Catholicism and yet advocating Islam as a better alternative. Either Christ was telling the truth, and He is the Son of God, or He isn't. Either He changes every paradigm we've founded our lives upon, or we remain strangers to Him making up our own realities.

At church this Sunday our pastor spoke about the freedom we have in Christ as co-laborers. That we aren't robots eeking out mechanic monotone questions so that He can "program" us and we'll be obedient. He is calling me into a friendship-calling ALL of us into friendship. Where ideas are shared and we work together. The example of David's desire to build a temple really struck me. In 1 Kings 8:16, Solomon shares how God co-labored with David:

For He said, "Since the day I brought my people Israel out of Egypt, I have not chosen a city in any tribe of Israel to have a temple built so that my Name might be there, but I have chosen David to rule my people Israel."

It was not God's original idea to have a temple built to His Name--isn't that amazing? Because David wanted to and God thought it was a good idea, God set it into motion, but had David's son bring it to completion.
This message blew me away because I realized how much my feet are in two directions. In this specific season, God is calling me to be devoted wholly to growing as a musical worshipper, artist, and as a friend. But there is a rooted belief inside me that screams at Him because I cannot validate myself with my school work (because really, other than reading, I have no exams). I am blind in so many ways. I want to do what is practical, I judge myself for not serving the poor, and at the end of the rope I diminish the value of my placement here on this campus. Seriously-God is moving! He completely healed the ongoing pain in my friend's foot, He cured another friend of his lactose intolerance (which he weirdly received overnight), and so many other lasting things...and I could really use your prayers. To close the door to the enemy. To stop trying to be my own judge. To believe that my impractical life with be to His Glory because that's where He's leading me.
Pastor asked us, "If you could do anything with God knowing that He was with you in it-regardless of your ability and resources, what would you do?" This really convicted me. Because I think the answer I would give to that right now is that I would like to be a musical worship leader completely led by His Spirit. And despite the fact that God has given me free voice lessons this semester, given me a guitar, set me into a musical worship team at my church--I think, "well. That is too much. It's too big." !!! Come on, now! I desire Him to awaken my heart. To revive the deadness and the creative capacities that I have suppressed.

This song has been His cry toward me:

Strength and Beauty

2011-09-07T19:55:00.000-07:00

Dearest,

The past few days I have been blown away by the encouragement my brothers have given to me here at St. Olaf. Blow away because of the words spoken directly to all the women following Christ. I just read a passage that encapsulates the unique dynamic of the way men and women fit together so beautifully in the body. The following is from Captivating:

The scariest thing for a man is to offer his strength in situations where he doesn't know if it will make any difference. Or worse, that he will fail. Remember, a man's deepest Question is, Do I have what it takes? Failure says, No. And that is why most men avoid any situation where they might fail. They fear exposure. They fear it will be discovered that they are not a man.
Given the fact that we live after the Fall, far from Eden, and that a man's life is plagued by "thorns and thistles," most situations feel like a test of his strength. There is simply no guarantee of success...A man's basic sin is his choice to offer strength only in those situations where he know things will go well. And so repentance for a man is entering into the very situations that he fears and offering his strength anyway.
If he fears intimacy, then offering strength means offering intimacy...If he fears committing to the woman he's been dating for five years, then offering strength is buying her a ring...
In the same way, the scariest things for women is to offer our beauty into situations where we don't know if it will make any difference. Or worse, that we will be rejected. For our Question is, Am I lovely? And to be rejected is to hear a resound, No. A woman doesn't want to offer her beauty unless she is guaranteed that it will be well received.

It is important to note that when Stasi Eldredge says, "beauty" she means the gift of presence; the peace a woman can release into a situation by her confidence in God. A woman reveals the heart of God with the way she desires to be known, with her inviting presence into the full life God promises. A man reveals the heart of God through his strength.

I just wanted to share how precious this is: releasing of beauty and strength matters. Why? Because God, before the fall, designed Adam to protect with his strength and Eve to sustain Adam with her presence and beauty. It brought me great joy when a brother acknowledged women as "being so patient" with their brothers. I am freed when brothers pray for me. I rejoice when brothers trust God to be their boundary instead of creating a man made one. God shows me how strong His strength is through the care of my brothers. I received so many wonderful things from my sisters. But somehow the love released through guys loving their sisters is different.

I believe that God designed men to reveal a unique part of His heart to women through men. (This is true the other way around as well- but it matters to Him. That is why I'm writing). Look at Numbers 30. I won't paste it in. It is too long. It speaks about the protocol for a father and a husband concerning the promises made between them and their daughter or bride (respectively). Now look at James 1:27:

Pure and undefiled religion before God and the Father is this: to visit orphans and widows in their trouble, and to keep oneself unspotted from the world.

Why does James choose those two specific things? Why is pure and undefiled religion not taking care of the crippled? Does God not care about the crippled? "By no means!" This revelation came to me while I was in London airport on the way to Sweden. I believe that James wrote orphans and widows because God's heart uniquely identifies with role of father and husband. Father to His children, Husband to the widow. At that time in London I remembered asking Greg about Numbers 30. His conclusion was that God is the best Father and the best Husband. He is never unfaithful to us. He can handle all of our insecurities, and He wants to walk with us to purify us by His love. The way God paints the Father and the Husband throughout the Bible shakes my heart. I got to thinking, what if God expressly chose the role of man to break bondage off of women? They have a crucial role to play! Regardless if they ever marry! They reveal the heart of the Father and the Husband.

God, I praise You for the joy you released through my brothers these few days. I love You.

You really love me, Jesus

2011-09-03T20:55:00.000-07:00

It has felt like a long time since I've been overwhelmed by Truth.

A long time since I really believed that God made the first commandment to be: Love the Lord your God with all your heart, all your mind, and with all your strength. Doesn't He require me to do all thing other things like love His children? Yes. But I can only love them through His love.

The idea of God romancing me was covered in a lot of dust until tonight. I have read Hosea before. I have not read Chapter Seven of Captivating before. Stasi Eldredge is certainly not more convincing than the word of God, but God definitely spoke through her words.

Every song you love, every memory you cherish, every moment that has moved you to holy tears has been given to you from the One who has been pursuing you from your first breath in order to win your heart...You've probably heard that there is in every human heart a place that God alone can fill. (Lord knows we've tried to fill it with everything else, to our utter dismay.) But what the old poet [George MacDonald] was saying was that there is also in God's heart a place that you alone can fill...You. You are meant to fill a place in the heart of God no one and nothing else can fill. Whoa. He longs for you.... You are the one that overwhelms his heart with just "one glance of your eyes" (Song 4:9b). You are the one he sings over with delight and long to dance with across mountaintops and ballroom floors (Zeph 3:17). (Captivating, 120, 122)

The idea that God's desires are not coming from a place of requirement-that He choses to love because He choses-breaks down any chance of legalistic inclinations. Why fast? Because I love Him. Why spend literal time with Him just being with Him? Because I want to worship Him and to know His heart toward me. Why read the Bible? Because His heart is written all over it and it speaks freeing Truth over my heart and a world that so badly needs Him.

I spent a huge chunk of today with my best friend. She sees straight into my love deficiencies. The reason why the idea of God romancing our hearts slays me (as in, hits me really hard) is because I have long thought of romance as wrong. It has to stay hidden because it is scandalous. The fear of failing in such a human relationship has debilitated my faith in Jehovah, leaving me too weak to say, 'Yes. By faith I follow You, God. You will lead me to the right guy. In the right time, in the right way.' Only God can take a heartbreak and make her a faithful bride.

Knowing Jesus changes everything. Why? Because He is Love. If you walk in any other direction than Love, you walk towards apathy. He is Light. If you walk away from Him, you walk into darkness. He is the embodiment of the Father. He shows us what love looks like. He lavishes His love upon us. Praise God!

Thank You

2011-09-01T06:03:00.000-07:00

Praise God for safe travel, for meting people in the confines of airplanes, and for what He did in Sweden the last night I was there, and for what He has done since then!

That last night God shattered the falseness inside of me. He broke the illusion about my discernment. You see, sometimes I think I am "discerning" someone when in reality, I am judging them and erecting walls. I cannot live on the side of Hope while grumbling about people's imperfections. I would like to point out how my expression of the attack in my last post was poisoned with judgement. Thinly disguised to my eyes. But the Light exposes it as garbage. As I have said before: Sweden, you are not too hard for Him.

Now faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen. Hebrews 11:11

As I write this post (which I have been trying to get out for some days now, but alas, staff training to be a resident assistant!) this verse from Hebrews floors me. Since I left Sweden I have heard from three people about how the writing in this blog has affected their lives. Praise God! He takes something like this blog and consecrates it for greater things! I mean, yes, I pray for God to take my desire to write and use it for His glory and by faith I know that He works through it...and then to be blessed doubly to hear from family and friends about God releasing encouragement and truth through this just blows my mind. Most of what goes on I do not see, and the evidence in any circumstance of God working in our lives is faith. We know that He is Who He said He is. He gives us faith which we could not have on our own, He gives us hope that we were without, and we have evidence because we lean wholly on Him in faith. We cannot see without faith. Without faith it is impossible to please God.

Faith is the umbilical cord, the substance that grafts us in to the vine of Christ. God is faithful! He is faithful to give us faith! All the promises, the covenant He has made with His people (with US!) will not fail. Numbers 23:19 comes to mind:

God is not man that He should lie,
not a son of man, that He should change His mind.
He has said, and will He not do it?
Or has he has spoken, and He will not fulfill it?

That is the level of steadfastness we have because we follow Him. I am incredibly excited for this fall. When I had before doubted whether I was really being a light for Christ, I have been assured. Where I had falsely walked thinking I walked with Him, He has rescued me. Thank you, readers, for witnessing what He is doing in my heart. You are so loved. Really. Psalm 139

God looks at the heart

2011-08-25T04:02:00.000-07:00

The market is what you need to serve. You have nothing to offer it...what can you possibly do for society with such a useless education?...are you really going to live in the delusion that you won't need to get a job one day?...you have no practical tool to help anyone...you have given up the paths that would have lead you to help them, you are deluded...what have you even done the past week in Sweden to effect any change?...how can you live with yourself?..what are you going to do when you leave Olaf, paint away reality?...you have no value. You are wasting your education, your time, and your money. You have no leader. You are lost in a desert. You do not know the path. You are a joke.

Dearest friends, the swarming of these thoughts tormented me last night and when I woke up this morning. I moved to my aunt (father's sister) and uncle's house yesterday night and my aunt and I were talking while she ate dinner (since I am changing my time clock now, my dinner occurs around 10 pm Swedish time). The conversation at one point picked up the topic of the university. She may have asked me what I plan to do after college, but mostly we talked about America in general. Yet somehow her eyes cut deeply into me. Everything was disguised so craftily.What seemed like friendly inquiry had the undercurrent of judgement, leaving the impression of, "you are deluded about reality. I fear for you." The odd part about this is that I sensed the fear that grips her. Even her laughter is cautious.

She asked may questions I do not know the answer to. How do you become an electrician or a carpenter in the US? Where do you go to get an education for a practical job? Don't you have any friends who are studying something (practical)?

Why could I not have detected the way her thoughts were worshiping something that is not God? Why did I not answer her, "I do not know what I will do, I do not have "practical" trajectory, but I trust God daily"? I will tell you. The tip of her words cut deeply because they touched the very place God had healed me before, and ripped it right open. For example, it was a huge deal for me to agree with God that it was okay for me to study Art and English (which I really really enjoy) instead of set a plan in motion towards becoming a doctor or a teacher (I also really like Chemistry). My rational mind spits on it. English and Art? Only by His hand have I been able to walk the path of those studies. But the doubt grabbed the times before I resolved with God, it held them back up to my face and screamed, "you gave THIS up? Get it back! Break off this creative nonsense and do something real."

Once I know what pleases someone I want to do it. I cannot please my aunt because her framework for existence revolves around an idol. At first while talking with her I just smiled back, but as I began to doubt myself, her blue eyed stare pummeled me. While I was talking to her I thought, "darkness is tunneling in." I honestly don't think she realized how soul-killing her perspective of life is. I mean, after we finished I sat at the piano, crying quietly and she saw my face when she asked if I wanted to go on a walk. We did not speak that much.

I wrote this today because this battle really matters. Either we believe God really leads or we don't. Either we trust that He will correct us when we are wrong and that He will give us the desire of our hearts or we live in torment and confusion. Either we believe Jesus when He says that loving others and loving God is the most important thing or we live in delusion. He alone is my Leader. I do not understand how He will use music, words, and art to His glory, but I am through with the days of believe that he can't use them. If anything, I must take art seriously as a weapon and a tool. The mystery before me is Christ. Also, the enemy was just vomiting lies. He is the father of lies. I have learned to play the guitar in college. I am nearly fluent in Spanish. But most importantly, I have been broken and am dying to myself so that I can love and be loved. A man has nothing without love. So get behind me, Satan. The LORD is my hope.

This morning the Holy Spirit reminded me:

For the LORD sees not as man sees: man looks on the outward appearance, but the LORD looks on the heart. 1 Sam 16:7

Sweden, I love you.

2011-08-22T06:23:00.000-07:00

Yesterday I had the great privilige of giving a vittnessmål (testimony) at EFS kyrka Ängelholm, the church which both families I have stayed with for the past two weeks call their home. When Calle (the father of the Jarbo family) asked me if I would give one, I was elated. I trusted the Spirit would make me a mouthpiece. All I had to do was be truthful!

I am the kind of person who does not get nervous until a few hours before an audition or a speech. I knew days before today, Sunday, when I spoke, that my human mind would write and I would think about what I thought God wanted to say and perhaps even fret over it. But I didn't sit down with ideas until 30 minutes before we left the house for church. I was gushing with so much I could say and I struggled to give it a structure. Oh-ha! I laugh-because then there was the fact that it all had to be IN SWEDISH. The human judgement of my state yesterday morning (not knowing exactly what I was going to say plus needing to find a translator last minute) would probably be this: Jennifer is unprepared.

But I felt at peace! Seriously! I learned late the night before that not everyone in the church would understand English, and it didn't cross my mind as a big deal. So what happened? I spoke 90% of the time in Swedish but I had the youth leader up there with me for on the spot translation. You guys, the Truth is SO beautiful! I mean, yes, I shared about how God changed my mind about Sweden and showed me how He has been working here, but the best part was sharing about how Jesus burns for their hearts. Telling them the truth: that God sees what they do in His name, that He burns with love for them, and that He is faithful! But there was so much left unsaid...

Like the fact that I came in to Sweden with the mentality of "it's just You and Me, God" and He has shown me how flawlessly He creates relationships when we follow His Spirit. A handful of the youth from EFS church have asked me when I am coming back-not out of politeness. I see in their eyes that they love me. But honestly I have only spent three outings with them!

Like the fact that I have actually lived with God during this month on my own and that He IS ACTUALLY FAITHFUL and works whether I am with my brothers and sisters at Olaf or not.

Below is the transcription of what I felt could have been added to my testimony in church:

Sweden, you are not too hard for God. He is not wearied to show you truth, He long to set you free. Your apathy does not keep Him back, your indifference does not turn Him away. He, the reality, Jesus. His reality and presence will change you. He iwll crucify your flesh and your soul, and your spirit will be free to live to the full. He loves you, He loves you, He loves you! He iwll be faithful to you and will ot relent in purifying you. It is the Spirit that quickens. Those who live and walk by His Spirit are praying HIm in. He hears theirs prayers, God hears and acts. He will be faithful to save you from darkness...

Eureka!

2011-08-20T14:22:00.000-07:00

I figured out how to let you hear this message from Bill Johnson! God really spoke to me through his words. May they also encourage you.

Honor, from JC Awakening 2011

ps. Don't let the applause in the beginning turn you off. They had just shared testimonies of healing that took place on the streets of Chicago (where the conference was held) and I started recording right about when they are going crazy.

Really. He does heal.

2011-08-19T08:01:00.000-07:00

But when you ask, you must believe and not doubt, because the one who doubts is like a wave of the sea, blown and tossed by the wind. James 1:6

You guys- God healed Gittan's headache today! Gittan (my relative, the mother of the Jarbo family) and I were driving to ICA (one of the Swedish supermarket chains) and she told me she had a headache. I asked her if I could pray for it. So I prayed. She received it with thanks and we drove on.

For me, praying for healing has been controvertial, and it doesn't need to be. The temptation for the legalist like myself is to say, well, if I pray for healing and it doesn't come, then congratulations! I have a tangible award for my unbelief. (Seeing God's Spirit in James has been so cool-before every verse just seemed to show me how I could never ever even if I tried please God, which is a lie). The Bible says that

Without faith it is impossible to please God, because anyone who comes to Him must believe that He exists and that He rewards those who earnestly seek Him. Hebrews 11:6

So this word testifies that it is by faith only that we please God, because (as I've shared in previous posts), it is impossible to please God by my resolutions to follow Him, by my promises, by my trying to do the "right" things for him. My motives when I live out of the flesh (out of the soul and the body) are ALWAYS impure. Honestly, I did not have a strong sensation of my own power after praying for Gittan. I felt weak. I wondered if I had a true faith, if I had really believed God is a healer when I prayed that prayer (regardless of whether it went away or not). I did not ask her about it again.

She was the one who brought it up. "Oh, my headache is gone!" I asked her when it had stopped hurting, and she ruminated for a few seconds and traced it back to the prayer. Praise God!

The speaker I mentioned last time, Bill Johnson, said something that echoed in the chamber of my mind today: "If you can't rejoice over the headache that is gone, you can't rejoice over the wheelchair that is emptied." We, the children of God, when walking according to the Spirit, have teh obligation to show His glory to this world. We have been given the greatest hope. The reason why breakthroughs of any kind are to be desired is because it is a manifestation of the Beautiful One. Jesus. He said we would do greater things than casting out demons and raising the dead to life--He puts miracles in perspective. He doesn't say "Stop healing people because I'm not with you in the flesh," He reminds us of the beauty of eternal change.

Bill Johnson also said, "Any move of God is a move of God...too many Christians wait for the rain until they start rejoicing. When you can see the cloud the size of a man's hand and start to run, then He will bring the rain..." That is what praying for healing shows me. We have to follow the Spirit so that we have His eyes to see the cloud. And when we see it, we have to believe that it is from God. Not just say, well, maybe this is a sign that He will do something awesome. But to actually believe and walk like Noah, building a ship expecting the rain.

Everyone who has faith says "yes" to God. The power of the Spirit is bestowed for that reason and that reason alone. Not because you went to divinity school. Not because you are talented. Because you believe He exists and will reward you for seeking after Him. Just think of how many vessels of the power of God live in your own city! God designed it so that we can pour into each other. So beautiful.

Like Flames of Fire

2011-08-16T02:04:00.000-07:00

The hair on his head was white like wool, as whie as snow, and his eyes were like blazing fire.

...These are the words of the Son of God, whose eyes are like blazing fire ...

His eyes are like blazing fire, and on His head are many crowns. He has a name written on Him that no one knows but He himself.

Revelations 1:14, 2:18. 19:12

Five minutes ago I went outside to listen to a song by Misty Edwards (because even though it is Sweden, this has largely been a cloudy, rainy summer) and also so that my face would match the color of the rest of my skin (don't worry, it was only two song's worth of direct sunlight). So my motives were impure. I wanted solace from the oppression of fear in the house right now. I cannot tell you why, sorry. But God wants it to be broken, and I feel so utterly incapable to actually speak against it. So I went outside. And I'm not afraid anymore.

I lay in a hammock waiting for the sun to come back out. Having faith that it would, needing it to (as it is only a 17 degrees celcius with a cold wind today). It was then that the Spirit showed me just how powerful the concept of Jesus's eyes being like flames of fire, like a blazing fire.

Look at the sun. Peek one eye open when the sun is streaming down full force from the sky. It burns. Literally. Get too close in space to it and you will be consumed by the intensity of heat. What happens when you look directly into the sun? Your eye convulse. You blink, but the image is seared in to your eyelids. It takes time for it to wear off from the inside of you. And seeing the eyes of Jesus is like looking into a blazing fire! As in, the Love inside Him is so great that we can only approach describing the reality of His Love with a metaphor? Praise God! He is SO HOLY. Holy. Holy. Holy.

I recently watched a message given by Bill Johnson of Bethel Church in Redding, CA during the Jesus Culture Conference (which took place in Chicago! Just a week ago). Everything he said came from the Spirit. It was obvious that he was broken, that he needs the Spirit, but equally obvious that he knows Jesus and claims the power of the Spirit. He spoke about honor, but before he entered that topic he said these things (this is a direct transcription):

It was in '95 that I realized: not burning for God isn't necessary. It's actually possible to burn with infectious love for Jesus every single day of your life. It's just possible. It's not because we get hyped, it's not because we just try to psyche each other or because we're living in denial, or any of those dumb things. It's just because we're connected to the One who burns.

His eyes are a flame of fire, and they burn for you. They burn for you. It's hard not to stand in His gaze and burn. You see, we have the ability to love God because He loved us first. You can only love Him back in a way that He has loved you. You can only demonstrate a dance that He has already danced over you. You can only lift up a shout that He has already lifted up over you. You can only sing in a way that He has already sang over you. All we can ever do is respond to what He has initiated. Because He has determined to change the course of world history through people who have said "yes" to the Great Lover of our souls. And this is the priviledge of our life.

It really is possible. I want to be obedient.

Ida

2011-08-13T08:32:00.000-07:00

Praise God for children!

Today I helped set up, run, and take down Barnfest (a Children's party at the Ängelholm church) which pooled several jump bounces, a sandbox, hoola hoops, swings, a candy roulette, teenagers in animal costumes, and facepainting! During the fest I was a face painter. Secret story of my childhood: I was the resident face painter at my church's annual pancake festival. I LOVE painting faces.

I would like to tell you about Ida. You see, the hit item the children wanted from last year's barnfest was the butterfly. Needless to say, countless butterflies were painted by myself and the other painters. After the first one was painted, the children would point to the person I had just painted and say "I want the same as she has!" I smiled and asked them if they wanted a different color-or perhaps, a favorite color. "No, I want the same as she had."

I didn't mind painting so many yellow butterflies with red tipped wings. I have forgotten how much I enjoy interacting with kids and watching their faces as they look in the mirror. For girls, I love how that smile seems to confirm, "I am beautiful!" But, Ida.

Ida asked for a butterfly. I prepared my mouth for the next question, but before I spoke she continued: "But I want it blue and pink." :D I was so happy! That scene got me thinking while I painted her: I wonder if God feels the same way about His children. We come to Him because we want the beauty He gives- the creativity He changes us with. But we look at each other. We think, "what I see and like so much in that other person is certainly the best I can think of. Certainly the best I will receive from His hand." What?! As the artist, I wanted each child to tell me what they liked so that I could bless them with what I painted, that they would be pleased. I thought how beautiful it would be if, even if they all chose butterflies, that each could be a unique butterfly. That their variety would enhance the beauty of the first and the last.

I am just a human who likes to paint children's faces (and my own). God is so INFINATELY CREATIVE. Seriously, guys! He KNOWS us! If He were to paint our face, how beautiful would it be to say, "paint what you think is best"-but, how much of a trampled on phrase has that become! "Whatever you think best"---BEST. God would make me beautiful in a way that no other child could receive. Because in face painting even the conception of "the same" is only true for the child in their mind. There is no way the gold and red tipped butterfly on Hannah is the same as the one on Sara's face. I did not use a stencil or reference a book (although there was an idea book on the table).

God, I ask that you would remind your children of their uniqueness. Father God, that it glorifies You to be given Your rightful place as Creative Director, as Lord of our lives. Jesus, that just as you showed me today the longing for trust between the children and me that we would know Your longing for trust between Your children and You. You are a good Father. Your best has no equivalent. Our conceptions of the greatest measure are built on faulty scales. Father, restore our scales. You say in Deuteronomy to Your people set aside for Yourself above all other nations that their scales must be a fair and even weight. Lord, we think we rig to our advantage but we are distracting ourselves with out own scales. Lord, we need Your thoughts, Your judgements. Ours fail. Amen.

My Daddy Loves Me

2011-08-07T13:21:00.000-07:00

AHHH!!! God is so amazing! So, I realize I did not necessarily get to meat of what happened in Sällerhög at the scouting camp, but I think tonight that I will not attempt to package all of the learning in an easily digestable blog. Instead, here is a poem (rough draft) I wrote in the woods waiting for the next patrol to come my way.

To so many, a constant frustration
To the vast majority, a certainty of doubt
To the few, a needle pointing.

Law. Of death do I speak, all
bound. Dreams, morality, values, hopes,
wound in barbed wire,
a bleeding package of reality.

Law. The stump and the hole
where the ear once betrayed
where the eye once lusted.

A fantastic genocie, the law of death
The death angel brought near
sparring none; the people without a lamb.

To many, a truth better met with icing..

Perfume the corpse, the skin of glutted joys!
Pour syrup on the fermented fruits
of the soul. The taste is just as acrid.

To the few, poison speaks rightly
Death ushered in by the front door
A higher law.

To them, the wreaking heap proves itself,
Death dies with the new leading,
The decay polishes the mirror:
Through the wreakage we see
We are dust, we are dust.

So now I would like to share about how amazing the family I am staying with is. Kajsa and Bengt Starfelt and their daughter Fillipa are SO PRECIOUS! Their love for me is overwhelming. For example, they came home and washed the dishes I had forgotten to wash after making my dinner. They did this without being asked and were not at all ashamed by my behavior. They have taught me with delight and humilty about many things in the past two days, such as the reason why you need clothespins on the drying lines: the wind! They are so real and down to earth-and they LOVE JESUS! Their marriage is so beautiful. At nights they sit and talk together-no television, no diversion..last night it was watermelon, chili-chocolate tea (I know, right?!) and conversation. It was so freeing to my spirit. Before they came home yesterday I had a few hours to myself at their house and I had the huge pleasure of playing their guitar and piano. I began playing my own songs. I have not written any of them down-they were my heart cry at the particular time, and God overwhelmed me with His presense, a reassurance that He will break all my pride so that I can sing to Him unhindered, without worrying or imagining how fantastic a worship leader I could become. Praise God for breaking us thoroughly by smashing us over and over!

Man. So back to Kajsa and Bengt. Today after playing beach volleyball we had church at 5:00 pm (idk why they changed the time) and I had a revelation. This is what I wrote down while in the service:

No where in teh Bible does God say, "Guess! Guess what I will lead you to!" He just leads. God, You lead now. You told Abraham, "Go." You did not give him a list, you have him reassurance of Your leadership, Your trustworthiness. Why am I unhappy and doubting whether I will hear Your voice later? Because I am not trusting You now. I want a new heart that delights in Your life now. Powerful One, the details do not go unnoticed to your eyes. In no place does God say, "I will tell you what you think you need to know." What He tells us IS what we need to know. The understanding He gives us is the right amount (what He gives is not the same as what I understand). No where in His Word has He said, "Worry, for if you don't act rightly I will withhold what is for your betterment." What a leader we have!

He is thorough. All of my life he will take away what hinders me, He will show me how it destroys His creation and hinders His work in my heart and in the world. After the service I had another amazing revelation. It started from the seed of what a new friend, a youth leader at the church said, "what if God needs people like you in the US?" God showed me how tightly I was still holding on to my idea of a righteous life as going far away, as anything but America. He unhinged it. I was filled with delight. I think I might be called to the US as my primary area of prayer. That is crazy! Such joy entered my heart in that hour. I couldn't stop smiling. I am still meditating on this, so please pray! Ministry in the US is not what I would have chosen. But the fact that I have no idea what this will look like as well as the fact that I have always been fantisizing about practical ministry in other countries along with the reaction of my spirit to His unhinging suggests that, once again, I do not know myself. He knows where I am going, He knows my frame and where I fit in the body. Alleluia!

ps. Bengt took me to the grocery store on his motorcyle! Lean with the Father's turning. Do not compensate by leaning the other way. That is the freedom I found in riding behind him. I also felt the love of a father when he bought me Swedish candy (just like my dad does when he goes to Sweden). Pictures coming soon :)

skogen, nära två tusen scouterna och ett amerikanskt flicka

2011-08-06T13:46:00.000-07:00

"Where have I been?" Michael Dyer asks. Well, since last Friday until today midmorning I was volunteering at a Swedish scouting camp (as avid readers would know by the heads up I gave in my previous post). So, since I left a lot has changed. It is now August, I can speak more Swedish...and, I have a slight sunburn (hey, I did have spf 70+ with me...the sun always gets you on forgetting to reapply...). The greatest change? Increase in brokeness and desire for the Lord do continue breaking my soul and my flesh so that they are usable for my spirit and His Spirit (Helige Ande på svenska).

One week in a single blog post! Let us see what unfolds :)

Basics: The camp is a Christian scouting camp. Uniforms, chants, knives in belts, military tents, axe accidents, you name it. I would call it a scout Vacation Bible School. As a funktionärer (a volunteer) for "Adventur Sud" I led one of many team building stations which all scouts rotated through throughout the week. That bland description can be rectified by these details:

1) The volunteers (which consisted of Sara, me, four guys and a girl around my age and 6 other adults) had to create every station from scratch. my favorite was a ropes balance course made from a frekishly long (heavy!) rope the thickness of an adult's calf (it took almost four people to walk it into the forest) connecting three trees by spännbander! (lol, I can't remember the english word for it... ah, straps, that you google translate!) By straps I mean bright orange straps threaded through a winch and racheted really tightly. (If my father was reading this he would definately know the appropriate word for it).
2) The stations were located in the middle of nowhere in a wood (skog) with no trails (until the end of the second day when the kids had trampled them down).
3) The only was for a non-volunteer to know whether said stations actually existed was to follow fancy red and yellow caution tape draped occassionally over a tree in the distance.
4) I had to be in the woods from 10.45 am to 3:30pm. Lunch included.
5) I spoke Swedish to explain two stations throughout the week: the labrinth and the giant gunga (swing) adding many practical words to my vocabulary such as "du kan inte bytta din grepp" you cannot switch your grip and "du får inte sleppa reppa" you are not allowed to let go of the rope. My favorite new word is "allihopa" (all-e-hoop-a) which means everybody! Swedes say it with the most endearing inflection :)

That was the basic premise. Wake up, breakfast, work with children, small rest, dinner, free time, pray for a youth service, attend youth service... sleep! I was surprised both by how much free time we had as well as how tired I was after each day. The sun really drains my energy.

During this week I had the blessing of reading Watchman Nee's "Releasing the Spirit" which I found in the Bön och Samtal (Prayer room) on the camp grounds. The scripture I have been mediating on for the past few days has been:

For the law of the Spirit of life in Christ Jesus has set you free from the law of sin and death...so that the requirement of the Law might be fulfilled in us, who do not walk accordign to the flesh but according to the Spirit. Romans 8:1, 4

Nee's book gave me clarity and a new delight in the way God designed us as spirit, soul (mind, will, emotions), and body. Nee's basic point is that the Holy Spirit continually disciples us. God is interested in crushing our soul and body (dying to ourselves) so that our spirit (and the Holy Spirit, which is withinus us) can find a usable soul and body to express itself. Paul's words became so beautiful! How long have I claimed to be a Christian and not understood the reality of His wisdom in Hebrews:

For the word of God is living and powerful, and sharper than any two-edged sword, piercing even to the division of soul and spirit, and of joints and marrow, and is a discerner of the thoughts and intents of the heart. Hebrews 4:12

This week I realized how amazing and vital it is that God open my eyes to see how destructive my own thoughts are, how I am absolutely rebellious-how in one moment I say that I love Him with all my heart and the next day I see how much the one I really love is myself. Gross! The striving against myself without understanding which parts of me are cleansed and good is ending. It can only be through the Spirit that I am broken, that I am edified, that I "touch another's spirit" as Nee says it. It cannot be through my own cleverness, through my mixed motives and impure desires that I walk in His way.

The first two days of the camp, I had a sorry attitude. Here are a few lines from my journal:
I need you, God, for you can lead me. I am lost without you. Irony today: I had asked You to give me something to work hard at. Today I was up to my neck in hard work. Thank you for giving me hard work. I kept slipping on the moss, fell over once and by the end of the day, I thought with vehemence, this camp is RIDICULOUS. I spite of that first day, and in spite of feeling alone, as if no one was walking with me, I delighted in the Lord. I thought, here I am, alone, in such a random place, and You, God, are still here. You have not dissapeared with the fantastic community, You are with me! In this time English was endeared to me. For I felt as if I was learning Swedish too slowly and I yearned to be known and to know others. I wrote poetry in the woods in the in between times. And I magnified the Lord in what some of my friends call an obsession with death. Perhaps I will share some later. Tonight is for sleeping in peace. Kajsa and Bengt are beautiful people (relatives in law) who have opened their home to me.

I will continue soon! Live in peace, for the Spirit dwells in you,
Jennifer

My Ears Had Heard of You

2011-07-28T00:20:00.000-07:00

     but now my eyes have seen you.
     Therefore I depise myself
     and repent in dust and ashes.

I currently have a house to myself for the first time in...yes, two months. I am at my aunt and uncle's house in Höganäs to spend a day with family before I head off to a huge scouting camp. EFS (church organization) has made a very funny video introducing the camp in "Swinglish," so even if you have zero knowledge of Swedish, you can understand some of it! Patrullriks Scouting Camp is where I will be volunteering for a week. This is super intimidating because I know as much about scouting as I do about proper aerospace protocall. If I didn't have Sarah Starfelt (an EFS coordinator) to follow, there is no way I would have agreed to going to this camp (except maybe if I wanted a thrill).

Job's verses articulate how I felt yesterday because I learned more about the reality of God's presense in Sweden. He pulled out the hope lodged in my heart for Sweden and showed me, both through me observing a gudstjänst (church service, which AH! so cool, means "serving to God" or "favor to God") yesterday at a family camp and through conversation with Sarah in the car on the way to Höganäs.

I saw Him last night in an oversized tent near a beach. People received prayer from one another. Strangers got into groups and prayed for their kids and their parents. The worship leaders sought Christ and pointed to Him while they sang. I cried for being so stubborn, for not hoping with all my heart and believing in what God will do, that He wants to work in people's hearts here, and that He is here. Already, He abides here.
On the way home from family camp, Sarah and I spoke English. This means both of us were tired and we wanted to get to know one another and not just teach Jennifer Swedish. Before I had left, I bought a CD/DVD, looking for some recent Swedish worship. (I really wanted to know that there were people on fire for praising His name!) There are. I have a CD from a youth conference in Uppsala, where the largest church in Sweden resides (a 1,500 person congregation). You can take a look at this video for a taste of how participants see the worship side of the conference.

The first "song" on the CD I brought me joy. Behold, a tremor and rumble of hundreds of voices screaming in excitement for Jesus. Obstreperous noise sans music! They are just pumped up. So uplifting to see Swedes my age screaming His name! The rest of the songs are good, too.

This passage come from Peter, and in context it follows a discussion of pain Christ follwers will endure. The ending of this paragraph, however, describes my heart right now: longing after Him in every way. For Him to come back, to have His way in me, in my family, to loose the chains, to break every yoke...

Though you have not seen him, you love him; and even though you do not see him now, you believe in him and are filled with an inexpressible and glorious joy, for you are receiving the end result of your faith, the salvation of your souls. -1 Peter 1:8-9

I have no guitar! I have no piano. But I have a voice, and I have thoughts. He hears both of these, and I so badly want to be confident in His leading, that I am made unique in His heart, that I am not meant to be replica of the people I look up to, I will be something altogether new.

Nutella, Ice cream & Popcorn

2011-07-25T15:09:00.000-07:00

Igår jag kommer till Sverige från flygplatz en Kobenhaven och tår tåg till Mamö. (Yesterday I came to Sweden from the airport in Copenhagen and I took the train to Malmö). For those of you who know me somewhat better than the average person, you know that I am sometimes subject to jokes about the fact that I get lost. When driving the car, when directing someone in a car, you name it. I personally don't think I am directionally challenged, but my track record is against me.
I just felt so blessed yesterday and today! God planned it all out for me-the trains came at perfectly opportune moments and I wasn't rushed at any time (even though I felt stressed because I wanted to go as fast as I could through the travel procedures). I didn't fail in travel! I was fed my favorite food when I was hungry-yogurt and granola, plus nutella on bread! The people who were supposed to pick me up from train stations were there on time, waiting for me with smiles! I have been given family that loves me even though I've only known them for a day. I have wept for the torment of Satan upon Oslo and the Scandinavian countries. I felt His love on the train. I tried a new mixture of delicacies, and contrary to the title of this post I had Ice cream and Popcorn TOGETHER! Sweet and salty= good :)
The first few days of my 5 weeks has felt like a mission trip. Sara Starfelt is my cousin in law and she works for EFS, a church branch in Sweden. They have many camps during the summer and this week I am following her (yes, a type of sophisticated stalking) to visit four of them. Today we visited a music camp where I even got to play my oboe (and it felt like 6th grade band all over again!) Tomorrow we will visit a Confirmation camp. So I am basically a gypsy, tourign Skåne, the south of Sweden. And I realize that the serving mindset is how I want to live. Always. To the glory of God. And to sleep to His glory. Right now :)

Longsuffering Love

2011-07-23T11:11:00.000-07:00

Wow. God, You break through my legalism every time. Instead of pointing me to a passage to read last night you led me to the song, I Will Watste My Life by Misty Edwards.
I was feeling gross last night-I left the company of my relatives at 10:15 (typical J-fer stle, except bourne of frustration) to silence my grumblign in time alone and sleep.
Having survived the night, I can abreviate my thoughts for you and the events that ensued through the next morning. My ordeal consisted of God revealing His heart to me through my little brother`s teething pain. (Mind you, these times are aproximate. I am employing a different style in this writing, I did NOT record the minutes in the moment).

10:25ish God, I am disgusted by my relatives and disgusted by the fact that I feel this way.
10:31 (Mother attempts to put Christian to bed)
10:32 no, God, I don't want to listen to that song. How can I choose to follow Your narrow way when I am not even loving the people right here?
10:33 Of course I choose you. I choose you now. Where else can I go?
10:34 God, take my hatred. I am inhibiting myself from allowing your love to shine through.
10:36 (weeping as I realize He wants me to choose Him)
10: 45 I hope my mother couldn't hear me crying
10:46 Wow Christian, you sure can scream!
10:50 Maybe I should get my earplug (I only have one)
10:57 God, give me love for the screaming child. Would You comfort Him with Your presense and the knowledge that this shall pass?
2am?? God, give me love for this baby. Is it mine to do to comfort him? (God tells me I am not coping out by remaining in my sleeping position, He wants to show me something).

And so I continued that night, floating in and out of consciousness. But evey time I woke, the poor baby was crying. Which meant my mother was up with him trying to put him back to sleep.

The revelation is coming :) When I woke up this morning I agreed the watch Christian while the family went to the store. After playing for fifteen minutes, he was fussing and I took him in my arms to quiet him. It took me a long time, but Christian eventually went to sleep. I had to do everything gradually-walk with him while bouncing him, walk without bouncing, stand without motion, sit with motion, sit without moving him...I really think babies have a 6th sense. Christian WAS ASLEEP but each time I tried to break away from him and lay him on the couch his eyes opened and his voice quavered as if to say, "I have been suffereing for three days and you are going to leave me here?" The only thing that kept him sleeping for the first 45 minutes was my presense.
And somehow while I was stuck there next to him, laying by his side, God revealed even more to me. The Holy Spirit prompted me about the definition of longsuffering. Long. Suffering. The kind of love that leaves you holding abay screaming like a boiling kettle for hours on end. The kind that gives you love for the little person breaking your eardrums while you run on zero energy. My mother has been doing that for three nights now (and she says she hasn't slept the whole night through since we came to Europe-an entire month). WOW! I want to love like that! The longsuffering love of Christ revealed in the heart that changes from wanting to run away from the screams to taking all of the battering on the mind and body...because of LOVE! My mom woke up this morning with a smile on her face. Isn't that how God loves us? Taking the punishment we dole out-and we know we hurt him, unlike a a baby. Just wow.

ps. I realized why it matters so much that I love my family: in loving my family, I can discover the true meaning of the words father, mother, sister, and brother. Today I have decided that adoption or no adoption, Christian is my brother.

To Know is to Love

2011-07-20T01:43:00.000-07:00

Being known means so much to me. It means so much to God. So much, that in the end when some stand before him and say, Lord, we have cast out demons in Your name, and prophesied in Your name--and to them He will say, "I never knew you. Away from Me, you evildoers!"

The Message says it like this:

Knowing the correct password—saying 'Master, Master,' for instance— isn't going to get you anywhere with me. What is required is serious obedience—doing what my Father wills. I can see it now—at the Final Judgment thousands strutting up to me and saying, 'Master, we preached the Message, we bashed the demons, our God-sponsored projects had everyone talking.' And do you know what I am going to say? 'You missed the boat. All you did was use me to make yourselves important. You don't impress me one bit. You're out of here.'

The colorful language of the Message revealed this to me: you can still know what to do (be obedient) and not do it. The reason this hits me so hard is because I cannot understand God's call to obedience and His grace. The warring of the two gives me permission (I have thought) to tear myself apart. Speaking vaguely will not help me. I am speaking specifically of loving my family. With a longsuffering, always hoping, never failing measure of love. For I do not do as I want (see my earlier post) and I also do not want to accept the grace for having not been as obedient as I think I should have been.

I realized yesterday that I am genuinely afraid of sharing the encouraging words I think it my mind towards them. (I know, how ugly is that? Can I even claim Christ to say this? Yes. He is my only hope.) I want to tell my mother how beautiful she is, how God sees the way she loves Christian, how God is faithful to her, and how sure she can be of His love. I have told her some of these things this summer, but SORROW! (I am sorry if I seem dramatic, but I don't think it's possible to convey how much it really matters that I get this right, that I live as Christ in dwelling with them). I keep my lips closed. I see her bitterness and the walls she puts up in daily conversations, how she is so ready to parry me when I talk about Jesus. I think of the way her voice changed last night as she said, "our family lives for God," the smallness of that voice, how it might have run to a corner if it had been attacked. I think of these things and I close my lips. I will just love her without calling her out (she does not take this very well) and God will show her.

How does this relate to being known? In every way. I do not feel known by my parents. Their misunderstandings are another exuse Satan has used for me not to love them as Christ loved me.

Perhaps I am not the one to iniciate the softening of my mother`s heart, but there are definitely times where I wanted to encourage and I haven't. Rarely does my family correct each other with grace. Wec onfront each other, but not in front of the cross, as a family. I mean, what would it look like if every day my family prayed for each other like we do at Olaf? I would be overwhelmed with the joy of the Lord. Dust! I am dust, because even thinking of proposing that idea to them... well, enough. I should (and Elizabeth looks at me with a warning face). I will.

For I am not ashamed of the gospel, for it is the power of God for salvation to everyone who believes, to the Jew first and also to the Greek. For in it the righteousness of God is revealed from faith for faith, as it is written, "The righteous shall live by faith." Romans 1:16-17

One day my parents will delight in speakign the scriptures aloud with joy. I believe He is working. I have four days left until I separate from them and go back to Sweden for my solo month. I am not ashamed, Lord, show me the Glory and Power of Your Name. Ever knee shall bow. Your Love is sure.

ps. if there are z's where there should be y's or vice versa, smile and know that I wrote this on a German keyboard :)

Zyklon B is Apathy

2011-07-16T05:41:00.000-07:00

Yesterday my family and I returned from Malmö, a an urban jungle where two of my cousins live. It was really good to hug them again. For the first day we were there the strangest phenomena came over me. The pattern of waking, waiting, eating, walking in the city streets, and eating and returning to our rental apartment (an amenity of my older cousin's apartment) became...boring. When my younger cousin arrived at my older cousin (Natascha)'s door, no eyes were brightened, no voices lifted. She and her boyfriend literally snuck into the house- I wouldn't even know they were there until suddenly I saw them appear!

The second night I was frustrated by the monotony. I didn't even know what to call it, for to everyone else it seemed normal and a perfectly fine spirit to move under during a vacation. I listened to Misty Edward's Arms Wide Open (below) and, even though I have listened to the song countless times, God broke me.

He spoke to me:

If you were in Kenya right now, you would be SO broken over the poverty of the families you see. But you do not see with My eyes, for all around you is a devastating poverty wreaking havoc upon lives.

And then I asked Him what the state of the atmosphere was in that place, and He said: apathy. And I realized I was being lured into it. It was tainting my love for my Swedish cousins and my desire to fight the good fight, to be open with them and believe that God wants them to know His Love, His Power, and His Grace. The apathetic attitudes towards relationships in Sweden (I am speaking broadly but I do not think inaccurately) is like zyklon B. To the my generation in Sweden, marriage is an afterthought, a covenant stripped of its significance by darkness. I have spoken with members of my own family, and for them it is completely normal for a couple to live together many years-- even have 1,2,3 kids-- before marrying.
I have been praying that God breaks over the cities here, to show them what real love looks like. That real love does not hide, that my family would be convicted of their idolatry, that they would be moved by the way God designed for us to feel deeply and that feeling is not a curse.
That night I had to ask forgiveness for elevating others to His place as Judge over all. I really do stake everything in Him. Whatever He will take, whatever He will give--I am a pilgrim here. They need him. I will love with the love He has shown me.

Dansing

2011-07-12T13:48:00.000-07:00

No, I did not misspell that word :) In Swedish, to dance is dansa (and, WOW, you guessed it, dancing=dansing. Cognates like these make me laugh because they are so simple).

This morning I became a spy. I took my Svensk-Engelska lexicon (dictionary), my ipod, my journal, and my Bibel (Bible) outside the farmhouse. I went where no one could see me, and I danced. So much of my frustration was released in that dancing. I remembered how often I had been before my God as if it really was just us, no one else capable of entering into the space.

And my nature which led me to hide from the eyes of my family led me to sadly ponder: why is it that humans shrink the spaces where they can enjoy the Love of God? When I was a young girl I would wear a mint green dress (it even had a petticoat under the skirts!) and twirl around as I went about my day. While I watched Barney--twirl around and watch some more--while I played with my sister--running circles around her, on the front lawn, in the supermarket, even in Sweden. As a little girl every floor is a dance floor. The whole house, the whole of my town, and the world were safe.

Somehow, I was terrified of the eyes of another--I know, this is bad, this is fruit of lies and sin, I am just writing it like it is--but the fear of having the childlike joy squelched or misunderstood was so strong. Can I not smile because the fullness of God's love overwhelms me anywhere? AH! I seriously don't understand myself. God understands me. He fed me again from Romans 7, and that bled into Romans 8:

There is now no condemnation for those in Christ Jesus, for those who walk according to the flesh, but walk according to the Spirit

Without Christ, I am very ugly. I am depressed and have negative thoughts and a self-condemning auto-pilot that harps on me all day. I reject compliments and desire simultaneously to see myself exalted and to see myself ground into pavement. It is a gross mess that only Jesus and those who have Him can deal with.

With Christ, I am joyful. I dance around a lot--for no apparent reason (but there usually is a reason :) ) and I chatter my excitement in animal sounds. I ask, and I receive love for other people. I am overcome by His love for other people. I believe that I love Him, that He loved me first, that He knows I was a prostitute but that He bought me an engagement ring because of His faithfulness.

I will dance, I will sing, to be mad for my King

Nothing Lord is hindering this passion in my soul.

ps. God also lightened my soul (reminded me, "why are you taking yourself so seriously?") through my cousin, Jonatan, who speaks CRAZY good English, knows 90% of the slang I know, and jokes incessantly. I haven't laughed that hard in a long time.

What a wretched human am I!

2011-07-11T11:17:00.000-07:00

To feel needy.

   I don't like that. To feel as if I'm not able to enjoy anything because I am missing the bigger picture but that I am also using what I don't get as the bigger picture as an excuse not to enjoy things in life... like being in Sweden, eating bulle (sweet bread rolls), and wanting to learn Swedish. It is soul killing to realize your attitude is exactly the attitude you know you don't want and that you continue in the same vain regardless.
   For whether I eat a lot or a little, or whether I throw myself into learning a language or take it easy, whether I spend money or whether I spend none... I have nothing without love.

   That is the realization I came to today. I mean, what the heck! I am in Sweden (where I have not been in 2.5 years), with my family (including our foster child!), receiving amazing food every meal, having every opportunity to love on my Far-mor (grandmother on my Dad's side) and my Far-far (grandfather on my Dad's side)...and I am unhappy! I think at night about how I wanted to come here on my own and my perspective: wanting to show all of Sweden His love, to give the people I pass lavish smiles, to carry the baby around and coo over him regardless of what passersby may insinuate about my personal life, and ...so gross! I don't do it.

Paul in Romans 7:17-- For I have the desire to do what is good, but I cannot carry it out. For I do not do the good I want to do, but the evil I do not want to do—this I keep on doing. Now if I do what I do not want to do, it is no longer I who do it, but it is sin living in me that does it. So I find this law at work: Although I want to do good, evil is right there with me. For in my inner being I delight in God’s law; but I see another law at work in me, waging war against the law of my mind and making me a prisoner of the law of sin at work within me.

I come to this point too often! And how does Paul, who walked intimately with God in obedience, finish this rant?

"What a wretched man I am! Who will rescue me from this body that is subject to death? Thanks be to God, who delivers me through Jesus Christ our Lord!"

I am so humbled by this Scripture. Paul doesn't even explain! That's just the end of it! I am wretched, I need rescuing, therefore I praise God who delivers me. woa. hold up. I was just typing this outside my grandparent's farmhouse and a small insect flew--to its death--on my keyboard. It hasn't moved....it's legs are totally in the fetal position, and all I did was blow it off my keyboard with my breath! God has this wierd thing where he teaches me through bugs, so although I seem to be diverging, I am adding more to the revelations.

I need to die. All the time. I cannot share in life unless I die daily. And this is not the kind of death I can force by picking up a knife and having enough willpower. It is a death whereby I kill myself by throwing the knife down. By giving the punishment of my whole person to the Almighty, Merciful, Powerful Judge. So many things come in without knocking on the door: legalism, hatred, weariness, anger and lethargy....deadness.

These words weren't put in the refrigerator of my mind's memory and taken out just now. They are fresh words as I sit here in a lacquered wooden chair looking . O. My. WHAT! No joke, this bug that was laying on its back 30 seconds ago is on all... six legs again. O. My. Goodness. Yea, that's right, Jennifer, God is bigger than you. He restores bugs, and he restores people. And one day you, too, will fly.