Oil from the Inside

Dearest, (for you are dearly loved by the Father!)

In the past month I have been loath to write in this space--not because God isn't doing work in people's hearts at St. Olaf, but rather that I have been wrestling with feeling like I've been backsliding--and have wondered where the training I received this summer has gone. So yes, I am a wimp because I didn't want to burden you with actually going through that, but really hiding because of shame is sin. So please forgive me. As it says in Proverbs 29:18, where there is lack of vision, the people parish.

It hit me a few days ago how much time I've wasted in not pursuing people--in being frustrated over my classes (feeling like they aren't directing me toward a goal) and in not seeking out His vision for this time. The haziness around my return to Olaf from the summer stripped me of joy, stripped me of vision--and there are consequences. God, however, is able to redeem time, and it is only by His mercy that I can continue in ministry here. God recently showed me how I have been depending on friends to meet with Him out of lack of trust--and so for a while He calls me to just receive from His hand and to know His power and intimacy.

You know what is amazing? If you ask God for verses to speak to your heart, He will give them to you. I was praying over the men at Olaf and he showed me 1 John 2: "I am writing to you, dear children, for you have been forgiven on account of His name...I am writing to you, young men, for you have overcome the evil one.... I write to you, young men, for you are strong, and the word of God lives in you, and you have overcome the evil one." How direct and beautifully that spoke to the men! I had the opportunity to pray that over a brother the next day. I could share more of such encounters with the living Word but I will be late to class.

So, this weekend our campus group, Thursday Night Bible Study, has an annual event called Passion and Purity which I have not been able to attend for the past three years (because our orchestra concert is the same week). I am kind of disappointed, but I trust that it is perfect timing that I deal with feeling short changed, because the reality is that I can meet with God any time. Just me and Him. Regardless of my family around. This morning I went to spend time with Him, and I basically just laid on the carpet for a while asking for energy and what to do. He told me to to get up and praise Him. I really didn't feel like it, but I got up. He led me to put on the song by David Crowder Band, "Can I Lie Here" and it cut me to the quick. As I was dancing, the lines "O the brightness of Your face, to be with You, to be with You" slapped me in the intellect: Jennifer, He is SO worth pursuing!

And then He kept going in that vein. I listened to Matthew 25, the parable of the ten virgins, which has been put into a prophetic song by Misty Edwards.

The revelation came that the only - ONLY- way I can be effective in God's love is if I have "oil," if I know Him. If I "buy oil," and purchase time with Him, a real relationship. Not just ministry, planning, and things on the outside, like the lamp. We all need the oil. Because otherwise our lamps cannot be lit. Shiny ministries can only move in the power and truth of God if they are burning from a relationship with the Living God. I want to be found ready. Lord have mercy, it's my only means to find You here with me. Amen.