Why I have not Written

I have not written in this space in a long time. The reason is not because I have not had time or because God has not been moving. I have been discouraged, friends. I have have been agreeing with Satan that there are problems where there are none, and, like Eve, with that I give over my authority (which comes from Christ) to the deceiver.

You see, before I even came back to the States God had told em that the focus for this semester was going to be on art, music worship, and relationships. And guess what? He was serious. To the point that I have been questioning why I am even in college. Perhaps it is just my strange nature, but I really like learning. This semester, I do not have a lot of homework. My classes do not fulfill me. My work seems wholly impractical--I mean, WHAT is God thinking to have led me to where I am now, and then to have planned this semester of playing to teach me? Honestly, I have been complaining. People have told me that God can use my easy English class just as much as another class I had my eye on, but I haven't believed it. I have been so frustrated with the professor running on about Christians being fanatics who should be sent to the moon, about Christians who kill traditions, and seeing him claim Catholicism and yet advocating Islam as a better alternative. Either Christ was telling the truth, and He is the Son of God, or He isn't. Either He changes every paradigm we've founded our lives upon, or we remain strangers to Him making up our own realities. 

At church this Sunday our pastor spoke about the freedom we have in Christ as co-laborers. That we aren't robots eeking out mechanic monotone questions so that He can "program" us and we'll be obedient. He is calling me into a friendship-calling ALL of us into friendship. Where ideas are shared and we work together. The example of David's desire to build a temple really struck me. In 1 Kings 8:16, Solomon shares how God co-labored with David:

For He said, "Since the day I brought my people Israel out of Egypt, I have not chosen a city in any tribe of Israel to have a temple built so that my Name might be there, but I have chosen David to rule my people Israel."

It was not God's original idea to have a temple built to His Name--isn't that amazing? Because David wanted to and God thought it was a good idea, God set it into motion, but had David's son bring it to completion.
This message blew me away because I realized how much my feet are in two directions. In this specific season, God is calling me to be devoted wholly to growing as a musical worshipper, artist, and as a friend. But there is a rooted belief inside me that screams at Him because I cannot validate myself with my school work (because really, other than reading, I have no exams). I am blind in so many ways. I want to do what is practical, I judge myself for not serving the poor, and at the end of the rope I diminish the value of my placement here on this campus. Seriously-God is moving! He completely healed the ongoing pain in my friend's foot, He cured another friend of his lactose intolerance (which he weirdly received overnight), and so many other lasting things...and I could really use your prayers. To close the door to the enemy. To stop trying to be my own judge. To believe that my impractical life with be to His Glory because that's where He's leading me.
Pastor asked us, "If you could do anything with God knowing that He was with you in it-regardless of your ability and resources, what would you do?" This really convicted me. Because I think the answer I would give to that right now is that I would like to be a musical worship leader completely led by His Spirit. And despite the fact that God has given me free voice lessons this semester, given me a guitar, set me into a musical worship team at my church--I think, "well. That is too much. It's too big." !!! Come on, now! I desire Him to awaken my heart. To revive the deadness and the creative capacities that I have suppressed.

This song has been His cry toward me: